The Crippling Self-Doubt of a Writer

All right, I'll admit it. Not exactly the most positive of titles for a thread post, but one that I feel is right for what I want to write about today.

It's something few writers talk about, but something that I think almost all of us feel at one point or another. Even the most self-confident writer out there - the one who can stand up and tell the world 'I've written the best book the world has ever seen' - no doubt still has moments when they wondered if they're really good enough.

I know I do. I'm fairly positive at the moment. I might have self-published my own book (which if you listen to some circles is the ultimate delusion of the bad writer) but I've had steady sales and (so far) only positive reviews, even the ones that were critical were still positive in the overall tone (3 out of five stars is a win to me).

But I still have moments when I look at what I've written, ( or I take part in a pitch competition) and think 'why am I doing this. I'm not good at this'. When a sentence just won't come right or a character is sounding like they're made of cardboard. Or when I can't figure out how to pitch my book in just 140 characters and still make people see what makes it different.

Those are the moments when I lose faith. Those are the moments when I wonder why I dedicate this huge chunk of my time (and it is an insanely huge chunk) to something that in all honesty I might not actually be that good at. All that time when I could be doing something else spent scribbling away or spent online searching for ways to promote my book. Time that could be spent with my boyfriend, or my family and friends. Time walking the dog or riding a bike. Time learning something new, or doing other old hobbies that have dropped by the wayside.

Then I remember, and this is the key bit, I remember why I write. I remember why I cry and scream and drive myself round the bend trying to find just the right word. Why I lose myself in a world populated by figments of my own imagination.

I do it because I don't know how to do anything else. Whether I'm any good or not, I am a writer. It's part of who I am. I don't write for money,or for fame, or even for good reviews. I write because I don't know how not to write. I might go weeks, even months when I haven't put pen to paper, but the stories are always there, the words fighting to get out, the characters begging for their story to be told.

OK, so I can't figure out how to write a 140 character pitch. Who cares. OK so my book has only sold just under 300 copies so far. Means nothing. I will write the sequel, and I will write different book, and another one, and another one. Because I have to. If I didn't I would go crazy.

I have my moments of crippling self-doubt, but I come out of the other side because no matter what happens, I am a writer. It's not a hobby, it's not something I do. It's something I am.

So to my writer friends who might read this, who might go through the same moments of doubt, I can only tell you what gets me through. I write because I love it, and nothing we love can be worthless or bad.

It's Been Far Too Long

Alright, I admit it. I'm terrible for letting life get in the way of blogging. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let it go too long between posts but the truth is that was never a promise I was going to keep.

And honestly? I don't want to. Because if the choice comes down to writing anther few thousand words of a novel or posting a new blog post, the choice with ultimately be the novel. Writing my novels and my stories will always come first.

Shamefully this time around the long absence hasn't been down to writing. Quite simply I've been too busy.

Somehow grown-up life has finally caught up to me. The job got very busy at the end of our season, and when I wasn't working for my day job I was working on getting the paperback ready to be published. I've also discovered that my previously single lifestyle left me a lot more time for this kind of thing, now I'm juggling other demands on my time (although I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being just another 'demand on my time'). All of that combined with a trip home to finally meet my six-month old nephew has meant that I have neglegted this blog in a terrible way.

However there is some good to report.

The Last Knight is now available in paperback. And looks amazing! The cover looked great on line but I love it even more in hard copy. The colours are amazing.

Sales have not been crazy or overwhelming but steady as ever. I may near be the next J.K Rowling, but I continue to get positive feedback that is incredibly encouraging.

The as yet untitled sequel is still being worked on, but I have high, and possibly optimistic hopes of having it ready in time for Christmas.

In other parts of my life not related to writing, I have signed up to another year on the tiny island paradise I currently call home. I have a kind of love/hate relationship with the island, love because it truly is a remarkable place to live, and hate because it keeps me so far away from friends and family whom I love. Yet it is also the place that allowed me the time and freedom to finish editing and publish my first novel; I'm hoping it can do the same thing for the second novel.

So there you have it, perhaps not the most exciting of blog posts, but hopefully the start of my return to this particular blog.

So until next time TTFN

Post-Publication Blues

All right. So I admit it. After all the stress and craziness over getting The Last Knight published I got kind of lazy. I had put so much time and energy into getting the book ready to go, and doing the blog tour and all the rest of it that when it was over I was a little lost. I honestly didn’t really know what to do with myself.

And this blog suffered as a result. I don’t think I could face trying to put down in words exactly what it was like to finally have my book out there.

I’m still not sure that I can find the words. It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride but it’s been worth it.

So what’s happening with the book now? Well, it’s not been an overnight bestseller (like that was going to happen anywhere but in my dreams) but it has been better than I expected. I honestly just expected my family and friends to buy it. That hasn’t been the case. It’s not sold a huge number of copies, but it is steady progress.

And most importantly people are enjoying it. A current 4.5 star rating on goodreads.com. Positive, encouraging reviews. And people I know reading it and telling me that they can’t put it down. What better comment is there than that?

But the question that’s been plaguing me for the past couple of weeks is ‘what now’? Where do I go from here?

Well the first big news is that I am going to be releasing The Last Knight as a paperback. E-readers are great, but not everyone has one and I want to make the book as available as I can. Plus there is the pure vanity side of it that I just really want to hold a copy in my hands. It’s a longer, slightly more involved process than the e-book publishing was, but I am still hoping to have it on sale by the end of the summer.

The second news is that I am knuckling down and working on the sequel. I’d always half planned on writing a second book – I love Lance and Cara too much not to tell more of their story. Plus anyone who’s read the book knows the ending isn’t exactly a happily-ever-after. I don’t have an exact publication date just yet – but the hope is to have it out sometime around Christmas, or the new year.

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has helped or supported me over the last few months. I couldn’t have done it without you. I’d like to say that I’ll stop talking about the book so much now – but you know that’s not going to happen.

For now, Lance and Cara are waiting, I have their next story to tell.

Book Launch Blog Tour

So the days have flown by and it’s now just one day until the release of my first novel -  THE LAST KNIGHT.

To be honest, in a weird way I am almost numb to the excitement now – part of me just wants it over with.

However, I am excited to announce that I will be doing a blog tour for THE LAST KNIGHT! This is something quite new to me, but I’m so pleased and grateful to the wonderful people who are taking part. Below is a list of the blogs and dates.

30^th June – Down Under Wonderings - http://downunderwonderings.blogspot.com/ - The Truth Behind the Legend Guest Post

1^st July -  Delirious Musings of a Writer - http://deliriousmusingsofawriter.blogspot.com/ - Q&A with my own lovely self!

2^nd July – The Tracery of Ink - http://thetraceryofink.blogspot.com – Interview with me – because I’m great!

3^rd July – Yatopia - http://yatopia.blogspot.com/ - Interview with the gorgeous, sexy and mysterious Lance.

4^th July – Cassandra Page - www.cassandrapage.com – Self-Publishing Guest Post

5^th July – The Fault in Our Words - http://www.faultinour-words.blogspot.ie/ - Ideas and Sticking with Them Guest Post

6^th July – Hexbound – http://www.hexbound.com/ - Self-Publishing Guest Post

7^th July – Book Nerds Anonymous - http://avasmith.org/ - Book Review

Hope to see you all there!

The Last Teaser...

So it’s getting real now, people. Just over a week to go until THE LAST KNIGHT hits the shelves.

Nine days to be exact.

Nine days. Wow, that’s a scary thought. Emotionally, it’s been a crazy rollercoaster ride over the last couple of months. I’ve gone from incredibly excited to feeling sick with fear and worry. And I doubt that’s going to change in the next week.

I’ve had days where I am so excited to get this book out there – to see what people think. And I’ve had days where I think I’ve made some huge, crazy mistake.

But what’s kept me going along this path has been the overwhelming support of the people around me. Friends, family, people I barely know,  who are still supporting the launch of this book. They have all made it possible for me to follow through on the promise I made on the spur of the moment back at the beginning of April.

Spur of the moment it might have been, but it’s still the right decision. Panicky feelings aside. This is the right choice for me. Because being a writer for me was never about making money or being famous. It was about telling some stories that are fun and entertaining, and hopefully touch people in some way. I don’t have to have a publisher or an agent to do that.

So this week, seeing as we are getting so close to release day – just a teeny, tiny snippet of a teaser, from about midway through the book. It might give a little something away, but it’s not too spoilery.

 

My fingers tingled with static electricity building in the air. My heart hammered in my chest.

I turned the corner and stopped dead, like I’d hit a solid brick wall.

At the far end of the corridor was a big glass case with a suit of gleaming armour. I could have blamed the overhead light for the way it glowed, but I’d have been lying. Perhaps to anyone else it looked like a regular display, but not to me.

I edged forward, my feet like lead weights. The glass case grew closer, and I could feel Lance just one step behind me.

There it was in front of me. A huge broadsword hung on a set of supports. The hilt was bound in leather, turned black with age, and a blood red stone was held in place on the pommel by a metal griffin, so perfectly moulded that it almost looked alive, its eyes tiny chips of ruby. The blade was unmarked and undamaged, as flawless as the day it was forged.

Excalibur.

 

Chapter Twenty-One, THE LAST KNIGHT

Read, enjoy and share!

Not Long Now!

So another Friday has rolled around, and it is now only 17 days until the release of my first novel. Wow!

It’s strange. When I first started on this journey, when I first decided I was going to self-publish, it felt like I had so much time ahead of me to plan and work, but the time has flown by and suddenly in just over two weeks my first novel is going to be on sale.

It’s a scary, exhilarating feeling! There are still parts of me that are terrified. I’m scared that people won’t like the book – that perhaps I have jumped the gun and published THE LAST KNIGHT before it’s really ready. I’m worried that even if it is good, it simply won’t sell – that no one will ever hear about it.

But that said I have been incredibly lucky to get more support than I could have ever expected. Not just from my family and close friends, but from everyone around me. Friends who have gone out of their way to spread the word for me – to try and get this book out there in the public eye. Their support is invaluable. The lovely Sharon Johnston gets particular thanks in this regard.

For this week’s teaser I’m going to just give you the ‘cover blurb’, the synopsis that is hopefully going to make people want to read the book:

Seventeen-year-old Cara Page knows what mark she's going to get on her English test next week. She knows in three days her history teacher is going to be late because his car broke down. She knows she's going to give the new boy a nose bleed on his first day.

She knows because every night she dreams of the future, and every day those dreams come true.

Now she's dreaming of a boy, and a future that can't be real. Because if it is, then everything she thought was myth and legend is actually true, and there is an evil coming that will tear the country apart.

Lance Filwer is a boy with secrets of his own, and a past full of mistakes he can't undo. Cara is his second chance, his chance to succeed where he failed before - if only she'll trust him enough to let him help her.

Cara needs to know what's happening, but the answer lies in a long forgotten past, and an ancient legend. To find it Cara will have to travel into the depths of Wales, and the heart of ancient Britain.

With Wraiths, creatures from the darkest of myths, dogging her every move, Cara knows it's only a matter of time before they catch up with her. And myth or not, they will kill her.

Her only hope is Lance, and the birth right she must claim, if she is to prevent the future she has foreseen.

I honestly believe that writing the cover blurb was ten times as hard as actually writing the novel!

I’m going to leave you today with a few links:

Follow me on Twitter - @NSDorrington

Like THE LAST KNIGHT on Facebook - THE LAST KNIGHT

Or add it to your shelf on Goodreads - http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18048103-the-last-knight

Book Cover!

Time for this week’s teaser – and this time it’s something a little different. With just 23 days left until THE LAST KNIGHT goes on sale I have finally gotten my cover art work finalised, thanks to my wonderful sister and my brother-in-law who put this together.

I am incredibly happy with it – it feels just right for the book – and I am still hoping one day to see it on  proper hardcopy version.

But for now, here it is.